An Open Letter to All My Ex’s- Miss Dee’s Version

Letters to EXs

Letters to EXs

 

Yes. Miss Dee has a subject for this blog,thanks to LizardoMD (http://lizardomd.com/2013/09/02/letter-to-my-exes), a guy whose blog she follows. An Open Letter to my Ex’s- Miss Dee’s version. This is especially dedicated to those who wish to know about her love life.

This blog is not to spite these guys she has dated, but rather to inform them of the kind of impact their relationship has made on her.These are not also crushes she has had over the years (from adolescence till now, Miss Dee’s crushes are numbering up to 500), but real relationships or near relationships, that she has been involved in.Some lasted for a few weeks, others, up to a month and the longest was almost a year. They all followed a particular trend (maybe she should add a graph to represent the trend). And that trend was, the relationship being fun and interesting in the beginning and later getting boring. She was always the one who seemed to call off the relationships too. Miss Dee has always been the heart breaker, sort of. Not a good feat though, but something to blog about today.

As LizardoMD used colours to represent the different people he had dated over the years, she is going to use some of her favorite foods (which are mostly junk, by the way) to represent the guys. So there!

Dear Chicken Wings,

Since you were the first guy that I nearly dated, you get to become my chicken wings (one of my favorites). You were kind, lovely and had such a wonderful family, very large for that matter.  Speaking about your family, your little sister thought I was a threat, since I was snatching all the attention from you.

letter (photo credit: webclipart.about.com)

letter (photo credit: webclipart.about.com)

You loved plantain chips very much and I remember how I used to get you some on my visit (since there was just one of it). We all nursed dreams of entering the university at that time. I don’t really know what the problem was, but all of a sudden, I lost interest in the relationship before I even accepted your proposal. In fact, I was thinking of accepting your proposal, but before I realized, our attempted relationship had taken a downward curve. Diminished returns had set in on us even before the proposal acceptance. Our conversations became drab, especially the compulsory ‘free night’ calls. I simply lost interest. I had to bow out. But thank you very much for accepting the ‘break up’ without a fight. I wouldn’t have known how to have handled it, since that was my first real attempted relationship. I believe your sister now has you to herself. No more competition from me.

Dear Potato Chips,

Well, you came into my life in such dramatic style. We exchanged email addresses and you acted caring in the beginning.  So, I became interested. It was fun with you-the outings, the gifts, the frequent phone calls etc. You taught me so many things- some good and others- things I wouldn’t even attempt doing now- but it was learning experiences for me. Somewhere along the line, I realized you were just making me do stuff that I didn’t want to do so I had to let go. Our conversations centered on a particular theme- your dad. It became boring. Too boring for me. And you were too demanding. Demanding too much of my time and of me.  I am not blaming you entirely for everything that went wrong. As I said, it was fun being with you and such a growing up stage. I saw you recently, though. Looking all grown and suffering from some kind of amnesia. It seemed you had even forgotten all about me. You even struggled to remember my name and where you knew me from. It was quite amazing, because our relationship lasted over 6 months. So you had no excuse to forget me like that. I guess that was how unimportant I was to you. It was sad, because I still do remember you and the kind of fun we used to have together.

Posted letter (photo credit: www.cherylanswers.com )

Posted letter (photo credit: http://www.cherylanswers.com )

Dear Chocolate Milk Shake,

Did I ever tell you that our relationship began in the same dramatic way like Potato Chips’? I guess I didn’t. But I am telling you now. Both of you came into my life like you were offering me some help on a particular issue.  I didn’t even get that particular thing solved, since you both became more interested in the person with the issue than the issue you were supposed to have helped me solve. Anyway, I have also developed some kind of memory deficit with how it was, being with you. I remember a few things though- your height, your family’s preference for a particular tribe, which unfortunately wasn’t mine and your crazy philosophies too. I also remember you liked books. Yes, now I remember. Our first date was at the bookstore. I went with you to get a book. You also loved ‘free night’ calls. No, yours was more of ‘free dawn’ calls, after you had finished studying. Well, casting my mind back, I don’t blame you for loving the free dawn calls, because you were a student then. But our relationship ended in the most dramatic way like the way it began. Something that I know you have regretted so much. I haven’t regretted, maybe not much. In fact, I am cool with it. I really would not have known how it would have been, since your family despised my tribe. It was great knowing you. I am still thinking of ways for you to make it up to me. Maybe, I should make you get me either my Nissan Versa 2012 model or the Samsung Galaxy Tablet I have always wanted. I will send you the pro-forma invoice of the above items.  Please remember, I hold no grudge against you, but if you are thinking of making it up to me, I am in need of those items I have mentioned. Looking earnestly to hearing from you.

Dear Chocolate Cookies,

I didn’t know I would be sitting behind my laptop writing something about you in this fashion. My breakup with you was the messiest, since the whole world knew about us. We were an item back then. Our chemistry was based on something that we shared and that particular thing was always the subject matter of our conversations. Though, I wanted our relationship to be on the quiet side, you went public with it. No wonder all eyes were resting on us- wondering where our relationship was going to end. No wonder I could not take the pressure. No wonder I reconsidered the whole relationship with you. No wonder I concluded it was not love, but something else. I concluded that what I felt for you was more of admiration than love. I admired your passion for excellence, your academic achievements and how you had gone through life the way you had done. Too bad it ended that way. But, I still remember you though. It was not all fun with you like the others. You were also demanding, even more than Potato Chips. If I am supposed to present an award to the guy who gave me the most pressure, I would without a second thought, hand over that award to you. Yes, that was how much you pressurized me. Our relationship was more of a full time course for me, since it was difficult understanding you and your ways. I think I matured most during our relationship and my break-up with you.

Your Super Ex,

Miss Dee.

Miss Dee’s New Year Resolutions

Yes. So the break is over. It’s now time to get back to serious business. Miss Dee would have to snap out the holiday mood. So far it has not been easy snapping out of the high spirits. As she dragged herself out of bed this morning, all she wished for was everyday being Christmas.

Yes. So it is New Year, 2014. Some have resolutions, others have given up on keeping them. Keeping resolutions is like running a race; in the beginning it is easy but as the months roll on, it becomes difficult, almost like trying to lift a car with your little finger. Miss Dee remembers when she was younger, she thought resolutions meant, when you were a bad person the previous year you had to become good and if you were good, you had to be bad. But she now gets what resolutions are. And this year, the theme for her resolution is BEING ME. No more pretence, no more trying to be Miss Nice Lady, no more everybody first before me. Miss Dee can almost feel the excitement as her theme for the year rings in her mind. Being Me, will imply the following;

Firstly, there are some things that people do which Miss Dee is yet to understand. This category of people just wants to make conversation whether there is a conversation to be made or not. For example, they see you washing clothes and they ask you, “So what are you washing?” or  you are busily reading a book and just to make conversation,  they walk up to you and ask, “So what are you doing?” This year anyone who asks Miss Dee such obvious questions will either get the rolling of the eye, or the pretence that she has not heard the question or a term that Miss Dee learned from her secondary school called ‘rot blowing’. Yes, so those people will get ‘rot’ for their answer. So lesson number 1. Do not try to make up conversation with Miss Dee if you do not have anything relevant to say.

Secondly, those people on the social media networks, particularly on Whatsapp, who like playing Mr. or Miss Mysterious, please do not try this game with Miss Dee in 2014. If you know this is your first time calling or ‘Whatsapping’ or you are using a different line to call Miss Dee, please do not imagine it’s her duty or responsibility to know you. And when Miss Dee politely asks you who you are, please do not give her answers like, “It’s your secret admirer” or “Oh, so you haven’t saved my number?” or the most annoying one, “Guess who it is.” Please, Miss Dee has given you prior notice. No such games this year. The year is going to be hectic; Miss Dee will definitely not have time for guessing games.  But if you still want to play the guessing game with her, there is only one thing that she will do to you; Miss Dee will just block your number and if it is a phone call, she will cut the line. At least she is giving prior notice.

And please, Miss Dee hates forwarded messages. Those on Whatsapp, please find original messages that you have written yourself and send it to her. If you forward too many things that you have also received from other people, you risk your number being blocked. Those messages which say “send this to 12 people in 10 minutes and God will bless you or you will receive good luck.”  Please, in 2014, don’t think of sending such messages to Miss Dee.  She will give you 3 chances, on the 4th forwarded message; she will block your number.

Fourthly, this year, let’s all try to mind our own businesses. Those people who like poking their noses into the affairs of people. If you know you cannot offer any assistance to the person, please do not ask these; “Eii….So haven’t you found a job yet?”  Or, “So when are you also going to get a boyfriend or girlfriend?” Or “So when did you say you were getting married?” Such questions will receive the answers they rightly deserve from Miss Dee.

Finally, this is to the guys. Those who always feel like befriending every lady they see, as Miss Dee said earlier, the year is going to be hectic so please, no such games. One of the most annoying things Miss Dee has realized is that, as she is walking briskly, these funny guys will call her attention and expect her to either slow down, so they catch up with her or stop walking entirely to chat with them. What kind of behavior is that? Therefore in 2014, if you see a young lady walking by the roadside, and you wish to chat with her, you either jog and catch up with her or you keep to the pace that she is going. Please do not expect her to stop whatever she is doing to give you all her attention. Do you, the guy, know where Miss Dee is headed towards? And you expect her to wait for you?

Anyway, Miss Dee has also come up with a dress code for guys who wish to approach her with the aim of befriending her. Please, do not be in baggy jeans or shirts, with some chains all over your body like some slave and walking as if you cannot carry one of your legs. Yes. Miss Dee has outgrown this category of guys.  The other no-no is shiny or silver suit. Not just the suit but Miss Dee hates all shiny clothes.  And please no pointed tip shoes. This category of guys should not even attempt to approach her. The official dress code for guys who wish to speak to Miss Dee in 2014, is black trousers that fit nicely (it should not be either baggy or skinny) with well ironed long sleeves, neatly tucked in, very nicely trimmed hair and beard. And remember, no pointed tip shoes. If your shoes are pointed, wait, when you are able to save enough to buy a non-pointed shoe, then you can come and make conversation with Miss Dee. She nearly added that guys who want to befriend her should drive nice cars, but she realized that standard is a bit too high for this year. Maybe, that will be in her 2016 resolution.

Yes, and not forgetting this, please if you are asking Miss Dee to stop for a conversation, make sure your English is impeccable. No sentences like “Oh, so you are go? I am try to speak with you but you are go?” or “Am want your number” or “I am want know what your house is.” No. in 2014, Miss Dee will not give her phone number to anyone out of pity or politeness. She will tell you right in your face that she is not giving you her number, especially if your grammar is terrible. And when she refuses to give you her phone number, please do not say, “Ok, so you don’t want me give your number, then make I give you mine so you can call and at least say hi” Really? Bad English interspersed with wrong attitude. You want her to have your number so she calls you to say hi?  If you have the guts to say that to Miss Dee in 2014, you will not want to know what her response will be. WARNING, PLEASE DO NOT TRY IT.