Miss Dee’s New Year Resolutions

Yes. So the break is over. It’s now time to get back to serious business. Miss Dee would have to snap out the holiday mood. So far it has not been easy snapping out of the high spirits. As she dragged herself out of bed this morning, all she wished for was everyday being Christmas.

Yes. So it is New Year, 2014. Some have resolutions, others have given up on keeping them. Keeping resolutions is like running a race; in the beginning it is easy but as the months roll on, it becomes difficult, almost like trying to lift a car with your little finger. Miss Dee remembers when she was younger, she thought resolutions meant, when you were a bad person the previous year you had to become good and if you were good, you had to be bad. But she now gets what resolutions are. And this year, the theme for her resolution is BEING ME. No more pretence, no more trying to be Miss Nice Lady, no more everybody first before me. Miss Dee can almost feel the excitement as her theme for the year rings in her mind. Being Me, will imply the following;

Firstly, there are some things that people do which Miss Dee is yet to understand. This category of people just wants to make conversation whether there is a conversation to be made or not. For example, they see you washing clothes and they ask you, “So what are you washing?” or  you are busily reading a book and just to make conversation,  they walk up to you and ask, “So what are you doing?” This year anyone who asks Miss Dee such obvious questions will either get the rolling of the eye, or the pretence that she has not heard the question or a term that Miss Dee learned from her secondary school called ‘rot blowing’. Yes, so those people will get ‘rot’ for their answer. So lesson number 1. Do not try to make up conversation with Miss Dee if you do not have anything relevant to say.

Secondly, those people on the social media networks, particularly on Whatsapp, who like playing Mr. or Miss Mysterious, please do not try this game with Miss Dee in 2014. If you know this is your first time calling or ‘Whatsapping’ or you are using a different line to call Miss Dee, please do not imagine it’s her duty or responsibility to know you. And when Miss Dee politely asks you who you are, please do not give her answers like, “It’s your secret admirer” or “Oh, so you haven’t saved my number?” or the most annoying one, “Guess who it is.” Please, Miss Dee has given you prior notice. No such games this year. The year is going to be hectic; Miss Dee will definitely not have time for guessing games.  But if you still want to play the guessing game with her, there is only one thing that she will do to you; Miss Dee will just block your number and if it is a phone call, she will cut the line. At least she is giving prior notice.

And please, Miss Dee hates forwarded messages. Those on Whatsapp, please find original messages that you have written yourself and send it to her. If you forward too many things that you have also received from other people, you risk your number being blocked. Those messages which say “send this to 12 people in 10 minutes and God will bless you or you will receive good luck.”  Please, in 2014, don’t think of sending such messages to Miss Dee.  She will give you 3 chances, on the 4th forwarded message; she will block your number.

Fourthly, this year, let’s all try to mind our own businesses. Those people who like poking their noses into the affairs of people. If you know you cannot offer any assistance to the person, please do not ask these; “Eii….So haven’t you found a job yet?”  Or, “So when are you also going to get a boyfriend or girlfriend?” Or “So when did you say you were getting married?” Such questions will receive the answers they rightly deserve from Miss Dee.

Finally, this is to the guys. Those who always feel like befriending every lady they see, as Miss Dee said earlier, the year is going to be hectic so please, no such games. One of the most annoying things Miss Dee has realized is that, as she is walking briskly, these funny guys will call her attention and expect her to either slow down, so they catch up with her or stop walking entirely to chat with them. What kind of behavior is that? Therefore in 2014, if you see a young lady walking by the roadside, and you wish to chat with her, you either jog and catch up with her or you keep to the pace that she is going. Please do not expect her to stop whatever she is doing to give you all her attention. Do you, the guy, know where Miss Dee is headed towards? And you expect her to wait for you?

Anyway, Miss Dee has also come up with a dress code for guys who wish to approach her with the aim of befriending her. Please, do not be in baggy jeans or shirts, with some chains all over your body like some slave and walking as if you cannot carry one of your legs. Yes. Miss Dee has outgrown this category of guys.  The other no-no is shiny or silver suit. Not just the suit but Miss Dee hates all shiny clothes.  And please no pointed tip shoes. This category of guys should not even attempt to approach her. The official dress code for guys who wish to speak to Miss Dee in 2014, is black trousers that fit nicely (it should not be either baggy or skinny) with well ironed long sleeves, neatly tucked in, very nicely trimmed hair and beard. And remember, no pointed tip shoes. If your shoes are pointed, wait, when you are able to save enough to buy a non-pointed shoe, then you can come and make conversation with Miss Dee. She nearly added that guys who want to befriend her should drive nice cars, but she realized that standard is a bit too high for this year. Maybe, that will be in her 2016 resolution.

Yes, and not forgetting this, please if you are asking Miss Dee to stop for a conversation, make sure your English is impeccable. No sentences like “Oh, so you are go? I am try to speak with you but you are go?” or “Am want your number” or “I am want know what your house is.” No. in 2014, Miss Dee will not give her phone number to anyone out of pity or politeness. She will tell you right in your face that she is not giving you her number, especially if your grammar is terrible. And when she refuses to give you her phone number, please do not say, “Ok, so you don’t want me give your number, then make I give you mine so you can call and at least say hi” Really? Bad English interspersed with wrong attitude. You want her to have your number so she calls you to say hi?  If you have the guts to say that to Miss Dee in 2014, you will not want to know what her response will be. WARNING, PLEASE DO NOT TRY IT.